paracusia

July 27, 2014; 9:41 PM

    Hello, welcome, greetings, salutations – whatever you want to hear by way of introduction. Because that’s how you’re supposed to begin a piece of literature, right? With an introduction? At least, that’s how it is with fictional writing. Start it off with a bang, a hook, something to attract readers and set the stage. I’m not certain that it goes for nonfictional writings as well, but it’s irrelevant at this point anyway – it’s too late for an introduction now that I’ve spent an entire paragraph drabbling about introductory paragraphs.

    My name is emily. I suppose that most of you already know that (clearly I don’t expect many to read this), but I may as well state that here and now. Yes, I am a real person. Yes, this is all real. To be fair, I don’t know what I’m saying is real at this point in time, but you and I, whoever you may be, shall find out as the night progresses. And now I draw close to the point of this journal-setup. The juxtaposition.

    Auditory hallucinations are a thing. In a journal, some time ago, and another piece (a Hundred Memories submission, I recall), I mentioned that I’ve experienced these. Paracusia, they’re also called. A few causes are attributed to the experiences, but it’s baffling as to which one is influencing my case – I don’t consume enough caffeine to induce these, I get plenty of sleep, and I’m not schizophrenic. Potentially it could be a mood disorder at the source, but there’s really no telling. Simply put, these hallucinations are hearing things that aren’t really there – hearing things with little to no auditory stimulation. They’re very vivid things. Very, very clear. But it’s difficult to remember these noises with such clarity come morning. Therefore, this.

    Tonight, I shall not sleep. Or so I’d like to think. I’ll remain awake all night, or at least for as long as I can stand (meaning I’ll probably pass out around two or so), and document anything I hear that is confirmed to not exist. At the moment, every other member of my family is asleep, or at least in their respective rooms. I know I’m going to regret this deeply in the morning, seeing as I’ve been signed up for a hiking trip, but I really can’t wait on these notations. So I’ll be awake all night, armed with a sleeve of saltines, a glass of water, and my laptop. Most likely the majority of this is going to be pointless ramblings of irrelevant subjects, so when I finish I’ll just mark the parts concerning paracusis. Otherwise, this is going to remain unedited. Let the fun begin, then.


July 27, 2014; 9:59 PM

    **Peculiar that it’s beginning so soon, but… I’ve already heard something, mere seconds ago. It’s quiet now, but for the slight rattling noises of the washing machine on the other end of the house – and a strange tapping noise. The noise was brief. Three short knocks, quiet noises, sounding as though they’re from the opposite side of the wall I’m next to. I know that there’s other noise as well, but this was definitely separate.

    Sleep suggested that perhaps this is paranormal. I’ve pondered it myself, honestly. Even if I did strongly believe in those types of occurrences, though, I doubt this is what the root of the problem would be. It’s usually either an object, a person, or a place that’s haunted. I’ve seen enough horror movies to grasp that basic concept. I haven’t come into possession of any objects that might contain some prisoner spirit, there’s not a chance that anyone is possessed – and even if there were, it doesn’t make any sense that it would be just me it affected, or that it would be in this way. And truth be told, we went camping this weekend and I still heard nonexistent noises. I’m not living in a haunted house. I can’t think of much else for this update, so I suppose this is it for now.


July 27, 2014; 10:46 PM

    Some of the things I hear are subtle. Quite subtle. Easily mistaken as glitches and errors – like, for example, hearing the alert tones my phone emits when I receive a text, or a message from Sleep (though the latter are easy to dismiss as it’s typically the former Skype notification I hear. It was changed with the most recent update). Or other times the things are just quiet and difficult to discern. It’s hard to tell, sometimes, whether I’ve actually heard something or not, and whether it was actually there. ** I’m certain, though, after considering it for a moment, that I heard a slight rumbling noise.
   
    It wasn’t loud at all, unlike most of what I perceive. It was too quiet, almost. I couldn’t even tell if I was having a hallucination or not until I heard it again. The same thing happened a few nights ago, though it was much more audible towards the end. I heard footsteps, but, unlike the first ones I hallucinated on the 15 of July, the first step was soft and the rest were full volume, heavy, work-boot steps, ten or so in all. Right next to the window, as well. The most frightening part about it was simply that I couldn’t entirely be certain of whether or not it was real or an illusion. There were other people around – it was on my camping trip, in the middle of a campground – although I can assume it was fake seeing as it must have been one in the morning, and most people wouldn’t cut across another’s campsite so close.
   

July 27, 2014; 11:13 PM

    I haven’t heard anything, so thus begins the first of what may be many tangents. I seem to have affinities for particular things and themes. As Sleep knows (if you read this, I apologize for mentioning you so much), I have a definite character type, which this strongly correlates with. Characters are the best example I have of this. Alucard from Hellsing and Hellsing Ultimate, Ciel from Kuroshitsuji, Kurapika and Killua from Hunter X Hunter, Artemis Fowl from his own respective series, Gareki from Karneval, Death the Kid from Soul Eater, December Fourth (one of my own [stolen] OCs). If you look up these characters, you’ll most likely notice the connections. It’s fairly obvious.

    And I’ve kind of realized that I really, really like circus-themed things. I really like the anime Karneval, and the Book of Circus series. Then we have the opening themes to both of those, the OSTs. There’s a game that I really enjoy called Cirqus Voltaire. All of these things kind of happened recently, seeing as Book of Circus only has three episodes, I just started watching Karneval again, and I played that game this weekend. Ha… But yeah, themes. I’m a predictable person – which is unfortunate, seeing as I hate predictable things.


July 27, 2014; 11:32 PM
   
    **Like I’ve said, sometimes the things I hear are faint. I believe that what I just heard was a bell, of sorts – some type of slight, high-pitched tinkling sound. To the extent of my knowledge, nothing in this household would make that noise. Must be a hallucination, then.


July 27, 2014; 11:48 PM

    **This time it was louder. A thud, almost. Like something falling. Not a pan or anything too heavy, but a medium-weight object falling a short distance to the ground. And it was much more audible than the last few things I’ve had the pleasure of hearing. From the kitchen, no doubt. I may as well check that nothing did fall, but I always dread the thought of something actually having fallen, merely because my imagination always seems to come up with the least plausible and most unsettling explanations for simple things.

    I don’t hallucinate this frequently, most nights. There was nothing in the kitchen. Nothing fell. It was nothing. Just a hallucination, again.


July 28, 2014; 12:19 AM

    I convinced myself I was going to stay awake and all that, but I’m really not tired in the least. Just, you know, sitting here reading Kuroshitsuji fanfictions to amuse myself. I should be annotating, that’s for sure. Even solving the Rubik’s Cube that’s a permanent resident of my bookshelf would be more productive than this. I would make a joke about 221 (at least, I think that was the number) fanfics, but I doubt anyone would get it.

    Other than the reading, I really haven’t been doing anything these past few hours. I outlined my sketch of Touka Kirishima from Tokyo Ghoul and I’ve written about everything I hear that goes bump in the night, but nothing other than that. Perhaps I’ll annotate after this chapter. Yeah, that sounds like it’ll accomplish something.

    Just heard a low humming sort of noise, which is odd. It sounded vaguely electronic, but nothing around me or nearby at all would make such a sound. My laptop’s buzzing is completely different. The noise I hear is low and quick. It’s gone away now – only lasted about ten or fifteen seconds, I’d say – but it’s still unsettling, hearing things like this.


July 28, 2014; 12:55 AM

    Time for another pointless ramble, I suppose. What to talk about, hm? I don’t know where I’m going with this, really, though—

   **I heard footsteps. Just normal footsteps in the hallway, two or three of them. Light footsteps, but not those of a child like I heard two weeks back. At a guess, from someone with a similar weight to me, though that’s utterly ridiculous seeing as nobody is actually there. I didn’t hear any doors open, meaning no one in my family could have made the noises. And none of them have a weight or height similar to mine anyway. This is creepy. Back to rambling though. I need a distraction.

    I’ll talk about art, I suppose. Art and writing. I had dreams at one point. I wanted to finish writing a book, then I wanted to improve at drawing in a manga/anime style, then I wanted to get feedback on dA, and then I wanted to write about d4… The list goes on, of all the things I wanted to do. But after a certain point, I figured that all of this wanting was getting nowhere, at least if I wasn’t doing something to accomplish any of those goals. Then again, I’ve always been working, it’s just that I was always working alone. (I have absolutely no idea what I’m saying right now, but I’ll leave it here because I said I wasn’t going to edit.) As much as I can’t rely on other people, I need help sometimes. And I despise that. I dislike that I can’t improve without advice, that I can’t ever seem to come up with a concept of my own – take Blind Man’s Bluff for example. I don’t think I had any ideas of my own for what I’ve written so far. Nothing belongs to me.

    I basically took that concept from Sleep, though she doesn’t seem to mind that I’m writing about December and the rest, or that I’m utterly butchering the story. Then there’s my only original story, which is far from that. I told a few people at my school about it, way back in seventh grade when I still thought my writing skills were perfection itself and my storyline was brilliant – People who get an ‘Ability’ when they turn thirteen and have to go on an unsupervised mission? Sounds like Savvy! That’s what everyone told me, give or take a few words. They didn’t bother to hear me out, or give suggestions rather than just criticism. I didn’t like the rejection. Not at all. It’s why I still don’t share my writing often, at least not with my peers or anyone I really know. At least not when it concerns that concept. Anything involving Blind Man’s Bluff I’m perfectly fine sharing, seeing as none of it actually belongs to me. I have no self-confidence. I’ve learned to cope with it, though. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be posting everything I write on the internet, and I wouldn’t be writing this.

    Actually, let me change that a bit. I’m uncomfortable with sharing these things because they’re personal for me. I put too much effort and thought into these things and the one person who I was alright to share with mocked my efforts. Screw him. My best friend wouldn’t even bother to read any of it, either – she said it was too long, that it was boring. She just didn’t want to. I enjoy writing, and that’s apparently not normal. It’s cool if you can draw. Not so much if all you can do is write, which people don’t seem to have the patience for. The self-confidence bit is true, though. Too many standards and I don’t meet enough of them. Not pretty enough, not good at sports, not social enough, the list goes on – and on and on and on. But like I said, I’ve gotten used to it. Rarely do I actually think about these things. Only when my vanity occasionally decides to appear and make life hell. Up until those points, though, I’m satisfied with my existence.


July 28, 2014; 1:23 AM

    **Another falling noise, or something like it. Something softly hitting the ground. I don’t know what it was, but I’m tired. Too tired for these things. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last entry.


July 28, 2014; 1:35 AM

    I lose. I can’t stay awake. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being observed by someone – like someone is moving around behind me and they move out of view every time I turn their way. It’s irritating, vexing, annoying. I can’t stand it. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. All of these ‘can’t’s make me wonder what I can do. I can annotate, that’s something, even if I only accomplished a single page. It’s progress, even if progress is slow.

    I heard more than usual tonight. I’m not sure how concerned I should be. It’s not scary so much as unsettling, and I don’t particularly mind it. I’d just enjoy knowing why the hell I’m experiencing this. It doesn’t seem like I can tell my family or anyone else, though. They would question me. I don’t want to seem crazy, and this certainly makes me seem that way, doesn’t it? Hearing things that aren’t really there. I’ve never really been normal. This is just one more thing that sets me apart.

    I’m off to sleep, now. Hopefully I don’t dream. My dreams are just more hallucinations, and I’ve had enough of those for tonight.